Musicals as John Mulaney Quotes

jeffersonxjinkx:

• Heathers: “Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you.”
• Next to Normal: “I was like, ‘Well here goes nothing. YOU EVER SEEN A GHOST?’ And my mom said, ‘Yes.’ Which is the best answer.”
• Fun Home: “I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years.”
• Dear Evan Hansen: “And then I said, ‘No.’ Y’know, like a liar.”
• The Producers: “I would assume that’s someone dressed as Hitler. I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just ‘cause I don’t understand costumes.”
• Be More Chill: “I don’t like robots… thinkin’ of things.”
• High School Musical: “Every new song is about how tonight is the night, and how we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit.”
• Mean Girls: “What’s a clique?” “It’s when a group of people hang out together.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” “No, because these people make fun of other people.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?”
• Hamilton: “I learned to play his campaign song on the piano. It was ‘Don’t Stop’ by Fleetwood Mac… from Rumours, an album written by and for people cheating on each other. He let us know who he was right away.”
• RENT: “I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.”
• Avenue Q: “Yes, you heard me. An English major.”
• Starship: “You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t wanna walk into the ocean.”
• 1776: “I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.” Alt: “I don’t remember that in Hamilton…”