staraii:

• “You ever seen a ghost?”
• “Say more right now”
• “I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown”
• “Let’s change the subject”
• “This is a weird topic”
• “None of us ever really know our fathers”
• “We don’t have time to unpack all of that”
• “STREET SMARTS!”
• “Sit up straight! Be respectful!”
• “So say a kidnapper grabs you and throws you in the trunk of their car”
• “Brush your teeth! Now BOOM orange juice, that’s life”
• “That’ll throw him off his rhythm”
• “Weird, psych-out, backroom Chicago violence”
• “As any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phonebook doesn’t leave bruises”
• “Okay, when you get kidnapped- not if, when”
• “If you get taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none”
• “I thought I was gonna be murdered my entire childhood”
• “What would Leonard Bernstein do”
• “Give us some money! As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money!”
• “Now you have the audacity to ask me for MORE money?!”
• “I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you spent it already?!”
• “She’s not gonna do anything else for you. It’s done.”
• “I thought our transaction was over”
• “Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?
• “College was like a four year game show”
• “Well if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt”
• “These meaningless politeness rules”
• “I like to throw in I’m kidding at the end of jokes now”
• “See you at improv practice”
• “Of all the sentences that I would be ashamed to hear read in court”
• “I am damp all the time”
• “I don’t think it’s anything serious”
• “I’m gross now”
• “Y’know, life?”
• “Monkey monkey monkey man”
• “I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room”
• “It’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s so tempting”
• “I’m trying to stay nice though”
• “Maybe they have a different definition of nice”
• “If we must go on with salt alone, we will go on with salt alone”
• “Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct”
• “That must change you as a person”
• “Everything was slower in the old days. Because they didn’t have enough to do so they had to slow things down”
• “We gotta think of some weird, slow activities to fill the day”
• “Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable”
• “Everything is run by robots, and we spend most of the day telling them that we’re not robots”
• “Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters!”
• “How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once?”
• “May I introduce you to THE GAZEBO”
• “It seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time”
• “There’s a horse loose in the hospital”
• “What’d the horse do, what’d the horse do”
• “We’re well past that”
• “Okay okay okay okay okay okay”
• “I have fired the horse catcher”
• “How come you opened the door for the horse?”
• “I used to pay less attention”
• “I’m lazy by nature”
• “And you can quote me on that”
• “We bought a stroller for our dog”
• “Just one more follow up question”
• “What did they say in there, what did they do, what did they tell you”
• “That’s the same joke twice”
• “A charming anecdote that was fake and never happened”
• “It’s a word you’re meant to mishear”
• “The bread of bread is bread. The bread is good”
• “God can’t hear you”